the two women of proverbs, part two

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about me, attitudes, love, proverbs, relationships, women

If you had to be one, based on your past experiences, your decisions, your heart, which would you be: the crafty harlot or the virtuous wife?

I have been both. I learned early to seduce men, to lure them into whatever pleasures I desired and to feast off their pain. I think nowadays, that female manipulation is one of the first things our girls master. I see 13 year olds who brag about the things they can do to and the things they can get from a man. Their young minds don’t know that craftiness can kill a young boy’s heart.

My mother told me the other day, “you were raised to be a wife, not a wifey.” My mother was never idle. She was busy about the business of her family. She invested in my sister and I and showed us to be demure, to be ladies. This was no formal education, she led my example. She was purposeful and a woman who made my father look like a king. Her consistency and compassion made him a great man, I think. My dad is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but without a woman who had all the virtues of my mother, life would have been totally different for him.

One day, when I was in my early 20s, I grew tired of men who I used and manipulated. I got sick of the game. I got sick of the emotions of casual sex. And I decided to stop being crafty. I know how terribly mean a woman could be because I used to be a terribly mean woman. Now, I was no wanna be basketball wife, but I was emotionally using men…I was treating good ones like trash…and I was letting bad ones stay bad with no rebuke.

I grew up, partially, and started using my “powers” for good. All of us women have them. I started wanting more for the men I loved. I dated less and less. I believed those who dangled marriage in front of my face like a carrot, and gave them all my heart and all my virtues.

One thing I forgot to be is a wife. I forgot there is a formal and spiritual difference between being in love and being joined by God. I forgot that a wife uses her sincerity, her wisdom, her natural assets and her inner self for her husband. Not her boyfriend, or her “soul mate.” She upholds the values of the leader of her household. She makes him appear to be the king he is. Whoever he is, is magnified by her disposition. I forgot that thing I have is more rare than rubies…it aint for everybody. Only the one who wants to be the one.

How much would he, should he, could he have to give up to attain the jewelry of my heart? How much is my incredible discernment worth? What is the price tag for me to bottle up everything I have, and give it all, 100 percent to a man who will become a king once he receives it?

I don’t want to be responsible for the death of any man. I don’t want to kill any man’s heart, kill any man’s pride, contribute to the death of his marriage or his walk with God. I don’t want to distract him from his walk, because we need more men on the path.

I have been both crafty and virtuous. Now that I am single, everyday, I have to make a choice to be one or the other. All of us women do. How much of myself do I hold onto so that I don’t give away all this virtue and end up with nothing? And how do I interact with men now without being crafty?

the two women of proverbs, part 1

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about me, attitudes, love, marriage, proverbs, relationships, sex, women

The Crafty Harlot
Proverbs 7:6-27
6 For at the window of my house I looked through my lattice, 7 And saw among the simple, I perceived among the youths, A young man devoid of understanding, 8 Passing along the street near her corner; And he took the path to her house 9 In the twilight, in the evening, In the black and dark night. 10 And there a woman met him, With the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart. 11 She was loud and rebellious, Her feet would not stay at home. 12 At times she was outside, at times in the open square, Lurking at every corner. 13 So she caught him and kissed him; With an impudent face she said to him: 14 “ I have peace offerings with me; Today I have paid my vows. 15 So I came out to meet you, Diligently to seek your face, And I have found you. 16 I have spread my bed with tapestry, Colored coverings of Egyptian linen. 17 I have perfumed my bed With myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. 18 Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with love. 19 For my husband is not at home; He has gone on a long journey; 20 He has taken a bag of money with him, And will come home on the appointed day.” 21 With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, With her flattering lips she seduced him. 22 Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, 23 Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, He did not know it would cost his life. 24 Now therefore, listen to me, my children; Pay attention to the words of my mouth: 25 Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths; 26 For she has cast down many wounded, And all who were slain by her were strong men. 27 Her house is the way to hell, Descending to the chambers of death.

The Virtuous Wife
Proverbs 31:10-31
10 Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax, And willingly works with her hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, She brings her food from afar. 15 She also rises while it is yet night, And provides food for her household, And a portion for her maidservants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is good, And her lamp does not go out by night. 19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hand holds the spindle. 20 She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, For all her household is clothed with scarlet. 22 She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies sashes for the merchants. 25 Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. 27 She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” 30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates.

the last times…

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about me, love

If I knew the last times were the last times I would have put cameras on my fingertips. I would have made my eyes ink and impressed your smile into my memories. I would have done it like those crazy girls…begged and screamed and pulled so hard on your heart until I would have made it mine…if I would have known those last bites were the last bites…those last tickles were my last laughs with you…I would have recorded our happiness for a moment like now…

Now I am sitting in my car in front of a house that was once our home that is no longer mine either…nothing I own I really own. Nothing with my name on it is etched in stone…just chalk…washed away in silence…our times brushed away by the shoulders of others…

Outkast says…nothing is for sure, nothing is for certain, nothing last forever…been singing that song since 1998 but today it is not just a song…its a mantra…its the only thing that is the truth from all the songs stored in my head.

If love is forever, than why aren’t you and I forever? Because we had love far better than any people I knew…if love is stronger than pride, than why is pride the only pair of shoes left in this emotional liquidation sale? Everything must go…

These times I have now are among the last I will have here. This freedom is frightening like Thriller to my school aged eyes…regardless of how fun and free this is supposed to be I can’t step away from the fact that equations I so purposely concocted just don’t add up.

If I would have know that this thing we had would have ended like this…had I known of all the vulture-esque women who would eat from your dying heart…the wax and wane of dollars…the betrayals, the lies and the pain…I would still have journeyed these years with you. I would have remembered every curl on your head and kept every tug of your beard so tight inside my memories…

Asking why is the cruelest thing I can do to myself, yet everyday that question hangs around my airspace like a UFO…

Today only silence hugs me. There is no path. There is no road that has been traveled many times before. There is no promise of anything. Just this thing in my heart that I know I must do to make both of our lives better. Together or separate…my comfort, my stability and my desires have been the ultimate love sacrifice for you…

unsimple

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about me, love

I don’t know why I am so fixated on human relationships, love vs romance and the art of communication. I can’t point to any era of my life, even as a little girl, that I wasn’t fixated on those things in some way.

When I was in pre-K at this old church on livingstone ave., we used to have fake weddings, and I used to dress up in a white gown, hobble around in high heels that were too big for me and arrange my classmates as my bridal party. I’d marry a different little boy everyday and we would go into our play school marriage, me making fake dinner in my fake kitchen and he probably running off with his friends to play flag football. My barbies had tormented love lives, of course. I played with them until I was 14 because I was scared of real boys. Due to my curiosity and my hormones, I had to put down the dolls and learn what real life was all about with real boys.

Any relationship “expert” who tells you that all men do certain things and all women think a certain way are liars. Human relationships are complex because individuals are complex. I can’t figure out why and where these attitudes I have come from, only bits and pieces of truths surface during irreverent moments in my life. So no way can these behaviors be so simple that Steve Harvey has it all figured out. It may have been simple to marry little boys when I was 5, but now conversations can be have as many meanings as one of Jay-Zs triple entendres.

I have always been fascinated by the logistics of human interactions…the how’s and why’s and what’s and nevers and shoulds and maybes.

What are the rules? There is a lot more I want and need to say, but I will have to continue at a later date. I just know that the truth of everything used to be so dim and now I am seeing clearer and clearer everyday with observation, contemplation and prayer…

as good as it gets…

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about me, attitudes, grace, happiness

what if things never get better? what if your finances never increase ten-fold…or you never get a new job? what if your crazy relatives never get any better, and though you have a pure heart who wants a husband and a family, you never get it. what if this, right now, right here, is as good as it gets.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

ok, ive been sad. everybody knows that. its not an easy emotion to hide. it is what it is. paul was notoriously tormented for his whole life. he says in 2 corinthians, that he had been given a thorn to stop him from being boastful. though he was a dedicated servant of God, he was given some kind of weakness that he begged God to remove, and He didn’t. God isn’t a genie in a bottle. He does what He wants. maybe it feels good, maybe it doesn’t.

as the days and days of my sadness continue, my faith neither grows nor declines. its just there, unmovable, i guess. i know God isn’t necessarily punishing me, or He hasn’t forgotten me. it is just a period of mourning, loss and change in my life.  i haven’t gotten to the point where i am seeing the strength of my weaknesses. but i do know that my sadness doesn’t disprove God’s love for me. I know He loves me. I know that for sure. I’m just sad right now.

in church and in songs, they often say something like…if God never does anything else for you, He has already done enough. i’ve been thinking deeply about whether i really believe that right now. is His grace really sufficient for me?

30s the new 20??

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about me, attitudes, maturity

sometimes i feel like im just playing dress up...

 

I was hanging out with a friend of mine yesterday who happens to be 10 years my junior. She is 20, and I am approaching 30 this years. We talked about men, and careers and our families. We talked about life and goals. I discovered that though mine were a bit more mature, we basically had the same concerns. As I reach this iconic age, I have a few months to ponder and ambitiously sort out…what have I done with my life in 30 years and will I be doing for my remaining time here.

Maybe Jay-Z was right, 30 is the new 20. Not in the sense that I will revert to the reckless and immature state of a college kid. But that we regress back into a clueless and selfish child when we turn this age. I compare myself at 30 to my mother. When she was 30, she had two school-aged children, a husband and an upwardly mobile career. She didn’t have Facebook, Twitter and online beefs. She didn’t particularly care about the state of hip hop or popular culture. There were no male friends. There was no kickin’ it and trying to look hot in the club. She didn’t care about being fancy. There were no cell phones and text messages. She was mature. Not that she didn’t have her own issues, and as a child I was sort of oblivious to the fact that my mom may have had the same issues that I have. But she has always been a grown woman serious about her life.

….not that I am not. I finished college on time. I have always been serious about only working in my field of communication and writing. I have passed up a lot of opportunities that didn’t fit me. Even if I couldn’t articulate it, I’ve always known me. I have no children, no husband and a career though I question its growth. I am involved in all sorts of social entities that my mother would never. She would never network socially (even if she was 21), never have male friends (even if she were single), she would never be distracted by chats and texts the way I am. She likes having fun, but never at a jazz club like me.

Am I as mature as I could and should be? Am I too focused on public perception and being witty than being wise and settled? I think about how with a little less talking and a lot more focus, could I be the mature accomplished woman I see in my mother? I know, it is not fair to compare myself to her, considering that certain things are just not in my control. Having no children and not being a wife doesn’t make me any less of woman. But as I approach the big  3-0 I am realizing that those things that are a priority of my mother are becoming a priority of mine. Sure I have an eclectic circle of friends and can make a fierce smoky eye. But those things don’t love you and hug you at the end of the day.

As a whole crop of 1981 babies turn 30 this year, I wonder: are we as mature as our mothers at this age? Or are we 20 year olds masquerading as grown and sexy?

emotional tsunamis

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about me

i seen many friends this weekend…and i guess i was supposed to have fun. it’s not that i didn’t have fun, its just that…how can i have fun with this sadness looming over me right now. i had as much fun as a sad person could have. my smiles, my laughs…i wouldn’t say they were fake…they were temporary…definitely not deep rooted.

i believe in overcoming. i believe in victory. but right now i am sad. things are changing and it’s breaking my heart. i know this is all for the best. but right now the pain is just shy of overwhelming. but i promise it won’t wipe me out…

i remember watching a program about the tsunami that hit the islands of the Indian Ocean in 2004…and a pastor saying that there are people who have faced emotional tsunamis in their lives…that are just as crushing as the tsunami that those people faced. you may think that is farfetched or over exaggeration, but i believe that to be real. i believe that people are experiencing pain that no  one understands. no one but God…and that pain is life or death.

before i claim victory and make it, i have to learn. i have to transform. i have to cry…a lot. and examine my mistakes. i have to understand that sometimes i am right, and sometimes i am wrong, but justice will not deter hurt feelings. otherwise, it is what it is. i have to see in a way that i have never seen before. and do something for myself that i would have never dared of doing. that is changing…for real. i have to give up some stuff in order to gain a little sanity.

i thank my friends because i am having more moments of happiness today then yesterday. and soon i will experience joy again. but before that i have some hard work to do…i need this sadness right now. i need this pain. because without it, i won’t ever realize the real need for this transformation…

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

James 4:7-10

The Anti-Pretty Movement

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about me, anti-pretty, fashion, hair, makeup

I have been trying my whole life to be pretty. There has always been girls prettier than me. Sometimes it was their hair or their clothes that made them pretty. Sometimes it was their face. When I got older, it became their bodies. I always wanted to be one of those headturning chicks, but I never have been. Now, I know I am cute…and this isn’t a low self-esteem rant. You ladies know what I’m talking about though. Though we may be comfortable in who we are, there is always that desire to be the baddest chick in the room.

I was shopping the other day, and I was looking at this skirt I thought would be sexy. And then I thought, ‘okay, I will be 30 this year so maybe this hemline should come down some.’ And next I thought, ‘who are you trying to be sexy for?’ I hate it when men talk to me in a rude way, and who cares what these other girls think about me! Why waste time and money trying to look a way that is not yourself. And that is where the anti-pretty movement comes from.

I inherently love makeup and hair. The upkeep of my skin and hair is what I do for me, and to be expressive. I love some of my clothes, but a lot of them look like something other than me. I either look like work or kickin’ it. When do I look like Donna? Do I have to attempt to look “pretty” all the time? Can’t I be plain and beautiful for once? I do love dresses, but do I have to wear one every time I dress up? What is with my pretty fascination?

So I am attempting to not put so much effort in my clothes and my “look” and I am just going to look like me for a minute. Not to say I won’t have my makeup and hair fresh, I just got other things to worry about than being pretty right now…

Clean Living

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about me, sin

Sometimes you just have to give stuff up. It may not be fair. Everyone else you know can handle having this thing in their life. But you might touch, taste, hear, see or feel something that can take you right off your path to righteousness.

I have been working out for the past two months. Though my clothes are looser and I feel a lot better, the scale is barely moving. I told my fit friend my dilemma and she told me, “you need to eat cleaner.” So I rationalized that I could have one cheat day a week, instead of a weekend. She said, “you deserve to eat clean everyday, no cheats.”

We make provisions for our flesh to try to hold on to our old old ways and make excuses to enjoy things that are not helpful in our lives. How many times do we say, ” well, let me do this just one more time,” or “I’ll do it tonight, and stay away from it for the rest of the week.” A weakness can be anything: food, people, drugs or alcohol, gossiping or any habit that keeps you from progressing. It can be a trivial thing that snowballs into destruction in your life.

I realized that my weight goals have been stagnant because I have been refusing to eat right and try to make good decisions every time I eat. I was using exercise as an excuse to eat whatever I want. There are some things we all need to examine in our lives and give up. Not because someone tells us we should, but because we know, deep inside, that bad behavior is blocking our blessings.

I know it is time for me to clean up some things in my life…not just in my diet, but in my personal life that I know are holding me back from blooming into the woman I want to be. Once we discern that something isn’t good for us, we have to have the courage and be brave enough to let it go.

Let us live and conduct ourselves honorably and becomingly as in the [open light of] day, not in reveling (carousing) and drunkenness, not in immorality and debauchery (sensuality and licentiousness), not in quarreling and jealousy.

But clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah), and make no provision for [indulging] the flesh [put a stop to thinking about the evil cravings of your physical nature] to [gratify its] desires (lusts)

Romans 13:13-14 (Amplified Bible)

A Chastity Belt on My Heart…

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about me, love

Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

Ecclesiastes 5:2

I have been betrayed by my emotions. This has been happening for years, but just recently I have realized my silent enemy is within. I have always accepted the rainbow of emotions that I have; they made me a great poet, a successful writer and an empathizing listener. When I am up, my emotions are heightened and the happiness I experience is unparalleled. But when I am down, boy, am I down. My emotions were my excuse to be depressed, to say things I didn’t mean and to do things I wouldn’t normally do.

Some people become sexually promiscuous when their emotions get out of control. Me, I am an emotional whore at times. I give my deepest and darkest to whoever lends an ear, then cry when I feel used or misunderstood. I talk to those who have nothing to do with my problem, and ignore the one who I should communicate with. It takes me days sometimes to figure out what I am really thinking, because I am so clouded by my emotions. People say that they are really mad, sad, upset, excited or whatever about things. But that’s just how they feel at the moment, nothing to stand securely on.

I have to figure out some way to keep my emotions under control. Or at least learn a more productive way to express myself so that I am not emotionally whoring around, feeling used and abused. I can’t trust how I feel, and that causes me to be more careful about what I say. How I feel today may be totally different tomorrow. My heart may bleed and bleed, my soul is surely poetic, but at the detriment of my spirit and the people I love. It is not worth it to be this emotive and have the people I love not trust me. It is surely the gift and the curse of a writer to be expressive with no reign. But I don’t think God has given me a gift to let it carry me away.

My emotions, my heart, is in me, but it is not me. If I am angry it does not make me an angry person. If I am sad, it doesn’t make me a sad person. It just makes me a real person who feels just like everybody else feels.