i don’t fear loneliness. my honest, true fear is that i will be held captive by my emotions and end up indebted to someone who i cannot be in a relationship with and we fall terribly out of love. i fear any relationship i have turning into hate. i cannot risk relationships with irresponsible lovers. i cannot do it. there comes a point in all relationships (with women and men) that reveals a person’s purpose in your life. most of the time we ignore the red light blinking on the dashboards of our soul. most of the people we entertain shouldn’t be in our theaters forever. good times are only good while they are good. and every good time inevitably leads to the next bad one. i don’t know how to explain these feelings to everyone in my life. i love a lot of people. in a real way that i understand them for being amazing and stupid and concerned and aloof and all of the colors that they bring to my life. i want people to be themselves and will impart whatever resources i have be it my little bit of wisdom, my little bit of money or my time into seeing them create any type of success. but adversely i understand when it is time to depart. and it doesn’t mean that love isn’t there, or did not occur or isn’t real. and just because we don’t talk and i am stubborn and busy in my own head, which is a real task and not me being standoffish…none of that means that my thoughts aren’t on you and i don’t send love your way and have concern for your well being. it might mean that you are just a dandelion seed floating through my atmosphere. i might be allergic to you, even if i enjoy your presence…i might catch you in my hands until you melt like cotton candy. you might land in my hair unnoticed. i may blow on you until you bloom and float away. or you may be on your way to implanting in someone else.
but i will not bear the emotional burden of having to be a painting in anyone’s life. i do not have a still life. not right now. my mind and body rejects the notion. i don’t know everything about love, but i don’t think that is what it is about. i can’t say i want or am looking for more stability at this point because i don’t believe it to be real, but not in a bad way. i believe that even those who are a fixture in my life still have the freedom to ebb and flow as they please.
an ex boyfriend told me that everyone has a different definition of love, and i never truly thought about that until i became of my own definition. this is not something i feel…it is a fact that i just recently came aware of in my life. i don’t even know if i agree with it…but i recognize its presence in my life over and over again. trying to hold on to things that are slippery, trying to mold something that is not pliable, this aint living honey…
